The Meaningful Collateral

Thermocaster found this and, man, is it a good one.

If you don’t know him, we recap: Justin Gimelstob was a mediocre-to-poor tennis player who made a career out of acting stupid, goofy, and generally making a fool out of himself (in a mid-90’s US Open, he went on USA during a rain delay to ask actress Alicia Silverstone on a date. Shockingly, she said no). His moronosis got him a tv gig with ESPN and The Tennis Channel (think Jessica Simpson calling Football).

But his comments on former women’s pro/model/sex symbol/everything Anna Kournikova, well, just read on. They came on “The Junkies” radio show on Washington DC’s 106.7 FM WJFK:

“I have no attraction to her because she’s such a douche… I wouldn’t mind having my younger brother, who’s a kind of a stud, nail her and then reap the benefits”

Ok, Justin, quit while you’re ahead. Wait …

“I just despise her to the maximum level just below hate … (She’s a) bitch …”

And then he said he wanted to make her cry. Then he asked her to call JP Ricciardi (ok, the last part isn’t true … but read on for the rest of Justin’s rant. Believe me: It’s worth it).
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Poor Kobe. We’ve seen a mountain of material over the last few years describing him in rather unflattering terms. From Phil Jackson’s book on the Lakers to Shaq’s freestyle slam on Bryant, and everything in between, Kobe’s public image has been irreparably tarnished in America. As an athlete, Bryant now represents the ultimate in selfishness and me-first attitudes…a raging control freak, an egomaniac, a talented scorer who believes he’s the most important person on the floor at all times, and someone who just doesn’t have what it takes to lead his team to a title without another superstar to rely on.

Yes, Kobe Bryant may have the worst reputation of any team-sport athlete in the USA (with the possible exception of Barry Bonds). But I have to wonder…what would the opinion of Kobe Bryant be if he was a striker for a European football club?

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We didn’t think the WSOP could top Ernie Scherer III.

Remember him? Dude whose parents were brutally murdered near San Jose. Dude who police called a “person of interest”, and seized his car. Dude who said “Screw it! I’m going to Vegas for the World Series!”

Boy, were we wrong.

According to our new favorite website Gambling911.com, another player at the WSOP?

38-year-old Shahram Sheikhan. Professional gambler. Reached the WSOP final table in 2005, finishing 11th. Nicknamed “The Iron Sheik”.

Oh, and he’s a convicted child molester. Served nine months in jail back in 1995 for sexual battery. Five more years on probation. And, for a few months, the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement wanted him deported back to his native Iran.

And he’s Steve Bartman’s father, too … ok, maybe not.

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Serena Williams says she’s excited about Democratic party presumptive nominee Barack Obama. Thinks it’s grand. Wacky cool. Good for the country, good for the world. So would she vote for him?

Not a chance in hell.

“I’m a Jehovah’s Witness, so I don’t get involved in politics. We stay neutral. We don’t vote,” Serena said. “I (would vote for Obama) if it wasn’t for my religion.”

Jehovah’s Witnesses do not swear allegiance to an organization or nation, cannot join the armed forces, run for political office or vote.

Venus Williams later said she didn’t believe her tennis was political and didn’t want to get involved.

The lukewarm response by Venus is somewhat surprising given how hard both sisters have fought for equal pay, and their roles in changing image of the modern-day female athlete.

Does it matter? Somewhat, but maybe not to Obama: We believe both athletes are registered in California, and there’s no way Obama loses that state to John McCain.

You could be this guy.

This was a public access show from NYC in 1990. And, well, whoever you are, Ken Sander, we salute you for taking the greatest litany of crank calls in world history. What follows is, well, I’ve never seen anything like it.

Or will ever see. This is just flat awesome.

If not for Christian Laettner, Sean Woods might have the greatest highlight of the 1992 NCAA tournament. And possibly a national title.

Sixteen years ago in the East Regional Finals, Woods hit a running back shot to give Kentucky a 102-101 lead over Duke. Only 2.1 seconds remained. What could go wrong?

Um ….

Anyhow, life turned out ok: Woods is now the head coach at Mississippi Valley State. Tuesday, MVSU named Woods to the job, replacing James Green, who now coaches Jacksonville (Ala.) State. Sean was director of basketball operations and an assistant coach at TCU. [Read more →]

This one’s too good to pass up.

So the story goes like this: Last week on his radio show, Toronto general manager JP Ricciardi trashed Reds slugger Adam Dunn, saying he “doesn’t really like baseball much” and “We’ve done our homework on guys like Adam Dunn and there’s a reason why we don’t want Adam Dunn”.

Whoa.

Then, Dunn fired back:

“I know nothing about this clown. I have no idea who he is … This guy doesn’t know anything about me other than what he sees on whatever SportsCenter they have up there. That’s it.”

So Ricciardi called the press, apologized, called Reds’ GM Walt Jocketty, apologized, and told him if Dunn wanted to talk he’d apologize again. Then, Ricciardi said Dunn called.

“”I talked to Adam on Saturday, so I see it as a dead issue … I don’t know if he accepted my apology. But I did apologize.”

And that’s it, case closed. Ricciardi said something stupid, apologized a number of times, the last time to Dunn, and everyone can move on. Good thing, since the Reds were in Toronto Tuesday night. Wouldn’t want this to turn again.

One problem.

“If he said he talked to me,” Dunn said, “it’s a lie”.

Oh no. And it just gets better.

Word gets back to Ricciardi that Dunn said they never talked, and JP is pissed. Says someone named Adam Dunn called him. Talked to JP while he was with the assistant GM and head of security. Listened to his apology. Called from the 519 area code.

Wait, hang tight JP: Cincinnati’s area code is 513.

Oh snap. JP just got Howard Sterned!

JP, we don’t expect you to know every area code in North America, but 519 should be familiar because, well, it covers much of southwestern Ontario.

Yes, JP Ricciardi got punked by someone in his own province.

Oh snap.

BTW, all this overshadows the Blue Jays easy 14-1 win over Cincinnati in a game where Dunn, hitting .221 and slow as an elephant, batted second. And he went 1-for-3.

My sincere condolences to anyone unfortunate enough to have witnessed Spain’s penalty win over Italy this past Sunday.  In what was billed as the premier matchup of the Quarter-Finals, a showdown between two traditional powerhouses,  22 world-class players slogged through 120 minutes of impossibly dour, scoreless soccer and bored even die-hard fans of the game to tears.  Those with an already bleak view of the sport will certainly not have been impressed, but in truth this matchup was a rare lowlight in what has otherwise been an exceptionally compelling tournament.

In the two weeks since Euro2008 began, those dedicated enough to have seen a majority of games have been treated to more than a few unexpected surprises, including a Dutch team which dominated the so-called “Group of Death” by annihilating both finalists from the last World Cup by a cumulative score of 7-1, and a thrilling upset of Germany by the Croatians.

But the biggest shocks of the tournament have come courtesy of Turkey and Russia.  Neither team was expected to emerge from the group stage, but both are now only a win away from what would be an historic final for either country.  Both have overcome tremendous odds to reach the semis, and now dates await with Germany and Spain, respectively.  Let’s take a look at each team’s path to the Semi-Finals and see how the underdogs stack up:

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Long has it been foretold that the Hair of Great Power would one day return — flowing locks possessed of most lustrous sheen that doth blind the eyes and the fabled Pantene bounce that counfounds the heart.  For nigh on 4000 days the Hair has lain dormant, augmenting its power through repeated washings and leave-in condtioners, emerging only long enough to hold rapt those souls who would dare brave Wednesday Night Hockey.  But lo, on this day destined to be exalted above all others, the prophecy has been fulfilled.  The Mullet has returned.

Congratulations, Barry Melrose, on your appointment as the new head coach of the Tampa Bay Lightning.