Alright, first things first. I don’t know who the hell www.flatusyahu.com is, but they’re responsible for this picture above. I love it.
Anyway, over the next few weeks, we’ll be debuting some new features and segments here on TMC this summer, mostly because we’re bored, and tired of taking about Brett Favre.
Our first new feature is something we like to call Pardon The Instant Message (at least until ESPN’s legal department sues us for $14 million). The basic idea is this: A bunch of us sit around and shoot the shit about the current goings-on in the sports world. Sound lame? Well, you’re right, it is…but if Bill Simmons can get away with this for an entire column, I figure we can get away with it for a blog post every once in a while.
On our first episode of PTIM, we hit on the All-Star Game, the horror of a Chris Berman-Rick Reilly tandem, Billy Packer, Erin Andrews, Brett Favre (sigh….not my idea), and more Erin Andrews. Enjoy. And feel free to hop in on the action by leaving a comment. Please, yell at us…after the jump.
PTIM: Episode I (A New Hope)
Cast: Galen Clavio (El Enforcero)
Sonny Amato (SteelSonny)
John Koluder (IUKooder)
El Enforcero: Man, nothing gets me juiced for watching Grady Sizemore like a performance by 3 Doors Down
SteelSonny: Hey, I watched InSync open up Heinz Field. What an atmosphere that was!
SteelSonny: Should I be in front of a TV, instead of my porch? Is this some sort of a Home Run Derby Glog?
El Enforcero: Nah…you know very well how this is going to play out
El Enforcero: Hell, can you even name the participants in the HRD tonight?
El Enforcero: I had to look them up…and then I forgot them
SteelSonny: No, apparently if you participate, it means that you don’t care about screwing up your swing.
SteelSonny: I think Sabathia is up third tonight.
El Enforcero: Followed closely by Zambrano
El Enforcero: Actually, you’re damn lucky that you’re on your porch, just because it guarantees you won’t have to listen to Chris Berman. Shit.
SteelSonny: Okay, so we have it on record….8:05 ET…I’m taking Sizemore. Yeah, I would have muted it by the third in “Back, back, back…”
El Enforcero: Right now, he’s imploring the Yankees crowd to applaud the contestants…this is terrible. It’s like Richard Karn hosting Family Feud.
SteelSonny: Is that the Home Improvement guy?
El Enforcero: Indeed it is.
El Enforcero: And for the record, I’ll take Chase Utley, mostly because he just dropped an F-bomb on national TV.
SteelSonny: Nice. I actually just went for a run and passed a guy wearing a Lance Berkman jersey and I ignored that sign completely and took Sizemore.
El Enforcero: Oh, for fuck’s sakes…we’ve been saddled with Rick Reilly for this telecast.
El Enforcero: I hate Dan Patrick more every day, just because his departure saddled us with this douchenozzle for major events.
SteelSonny: Yeah, and we get Dan Patrick for Sunday Night Football.
El Enforcero: Indeed, I saw that. How do you see that playing out with Olbermann? And is there a limit to how many people NBC can cram into the studio? 8? 10? 12? Will Jerome Bettis be forced to lose weight to accomodate the extra chair?
SteelSonny: I swear, I want to see the numbers that show that we want that sort of thing. Give me Costas and Collinsworth in studio and two guys in the booth.
El Enforcero: In other broadcasting news, we got rid of Billy Packer today. Is this finally proof that God loves us?
SteelSonny: I’m assuming they ousted him and he didn’t die, because then your comment would just be cruel.
El Enforcero: Haha. Yes…well, here was the text from the story:
IUKooder: Hola gentlemen. I’m assuming you’re talking about Harold Reynolds?
El Enforcero: “These are really good circumstances,” Packer told The Associated Press by phone. “This decision was made with myself and CBS over a year ago. Their timing to announce it is their business.”
El Enforcero: Welcome to the show, Mr. Koluder!
SteelSonny: Well, he always was a tough little monkey.
SteelSonny: (I’m pretty sure that’s what he called Allen Iverson)
El Enforcero: Ha ha ha…just turn the game off, they’re down 25!
IUKooder: Oh, now that I know who you’re talking about, I’ll go out on a limb and say anything directed at Billy Packer should be cruel simply as a starting point.
El Enforcero: I do admire Packer from this standpoint: Can you name another color commentator who was universally hated by EVERYONE?
El Enforcero: Wow, I don’t know what Erin Andrews is rocking out tonight in the apparel department, but…it works.
IUKooder: I see Erin broke out the “Swiss Miss” costume tonight… a welcome addition to the program!
SteelSonny: I’m not in front of a TV! Stop it.
IUKooder: And did she just drop a “Thanks, Jeter” on el Capitan?
El Enforcero: And she just called Derek Jeter “Jeter”. Dammit, that means he nailed her last night.
SteelSonny: No, they’re just flirting. After they consummate, it’s “Jeets”.
IUKooder: As a former resident of Wrigleyville, I’m still trying to figure out what fence that kid is jumping in the State Farm commercial…
IUKooder: cause to get where he’s getting, no chain-link fence hopping is involved.
IUKooder: Unless the kid was running from the asshole that ran our building’s rooftop, which would be a distinct possibility
El Enforcero: What irritates me about that State Farm commercial is that the guy just hands the ball over to the kid. The kid had NO shot at catching that ball, so he therefore had NO reason to be sad.
IUKooder: Reminds me of the time I “stole” a mini-soccer ball at an IU Soccer game from a 12-year-old
El Enforcero: Man, they’re MAXXING the Erin Andrews out tonight
IUKooder: And this is the precise reason TiVo was invented
SteelSonny: Okay, i’m moving in front of my TV. I don’t know this commercial and I’m envisioning Erin Andrews in lingerie from these descriptions.
IUKooder: I’m pretty sure a girdle is involved
El Enforcero: So what was the biggest surprise of the day - the Donaghy/Foster revelations, or ESPN hiring Trent Dilfer as an analyst?
IUKooder: haven’t heard the Donaghy bit… please tell me you’re talking about Jeff Foster?
El Enforcero: Unfortunately no…I’m talking of Scott Foster, who is another NBA ref that Donaghy apparently called MORE than he called his bookie last year.
SteelSonny: 134 times in six months—more than I talk to my wife. I hope they were on mobile-to-mobile calls.
El Enforcero: The NBA might want to call off that sponsorship deal with Alltel.
El Enforcero: Pretty soon we’ll find out that Chad from the commercials threw the Mavs-Rockets series.
SteelSonny: Donaghy, Sampson and Joe Horn would make a cute little commercial.
IUKooder: Where does Danny Uggla rank in the “Least exciting player to kick off a Home Run Derby” category?
SteelSonny: Alright, fantasy GMs…do you bring Favre into camp, release him or try to trade him?
El Enforcero: I kill the bastard
El Enforcero: Then I trade him
IUKooder: I bring the a-hole into camp
IUKooder: see how bad he really wants to come back
IUKooder: no way in hell I give up his rights
SteelSonny: See, Clavio…thats where you’re wrong. You trade him, then kill him. If you kill him first, he doesn’t pass the physical.
El Enforcero: Alright, that’s a fair point. I think you should just dangle him out there and get as much trade value as possible.
El Enforcero: Create discontent in the other teams. And realize that wherever you trade him, he’s going to revert to 2003-06 Favre mode, where he barely wins 8 games and throws 37 interceptions.
SteelSonny: Yeah, seriously, how can you risk improving another team in your division THAT much without getting something back?
IUKooder: I think he knows he could never play for the Bears or Vikings
IUKooder: just so happens they’re the two decent teams that need a QB the most
IUKooder: I’m pretty sure some crazed Pack fan would off him if he ever suited up for another NFC North team
IUKooder: What else does Gerry from Osh Kosh have to live for?
El Enforcero: It’s too bad that Arizona drafted Leinart…I’d have loved to have seen an aging Favre and an aged Edgerrin James try to get the Cardinals further than Jake Plummer did.
IUKooder: Did we just get our first dumb-ass one-liner of the night from Reilly?
SteelSonny: I want him in Baltimore. Bring the drama my way.
IUKooder: He and Modell would make a fine couple.
El Enforcero: I think Modell is long-since retired, John. You need to learn to let go.
IUKooder: Can’t think of two guys in the last decade that have turned on their city more than those two guys.
IUKooder: Galen, I will never, ever let it go.
IUKooder: In fact, I argued about Modell/Ravens this weekend.
SteelSonny: Well, either way, I just want to see Favre pull something trying to imitate that stupid Ray Lewis dance.
IUKooder: It still stings Galen… you try pinning your franchise’s hopes on Tim Couch and see how it feels
El Enforcero: Two words: Brian Griese.
SteelSonny: You see how far the Browns have fallen…a Steelers fan doesn’t even have the heart to pour salt in the wounds of a Browns fan.
IUKooder: And that’s quite appreciated
IUKooder: You see, that’s why you guys are better than Bengals fans
El Enforcero: To add insult to injury, this year’s Sporting News NFL preview magazine predicts two playoff teams from the AFC North…and neither of them are the Browns
IUKooder: wow
IUKooder: That’s a kick in the groin
El Enforcero: “His favorite band was The Doors…a couple of those blasts were of the ‘Light My Fire’ variety…”
El Enforcero: Why? Just…why?
SteelSonny: Well, who were the AFC North Teams? Cinci and Pittsburgh…seriously?
El Enforcero: Yes…Pittsburgh to win the division, Cincy for the WC
IUKooder: Cincy? Really?
El Enforcero: Then again, they predicted San Diego over Dallas in the Super Bowl, so take it for what it’s worth.
SteelSonny: 10 wins will win the division outright and theres no way the wildcard comes from there.
IUKooder: That’s a lot of bail money to pool together for training camp.
IUKooder: They’ll pretty much beat the crap out of each other
El Enforcero: Yeah, but guys, where else are the WC’s coming from in the division?
El Enforcero: Denver, KC, and Oakland have no shot
El Enforcero: Same with the Jets and the Dolphins
El Enforcero: Tennessee and Buffalo don’t have the offense
El Enforcero: and Houston no longer knows who their starter is
SteelSonny: Jacksonville or Indy for sure
IUKooder: So there’s Jax & Indy
IUKooder: San Diego
IUKooder: New England
IUKooder: Pittsburgh
El Enforcero: …and…
IUKooder: and Browns
El Enforcero: Cleveland or Cincy
IUKooder: of course
IUKooder: Who’s tennessee’s QB again?
IUKooder: Please say Kerry collins
El Enforcero: Vince Young…but Norm Chow is no longer in the building
IUKooder: Man, it’s been a long day at work
IUKooder: Vince who again?
SteelSonny: Foster
IUKooder: Apparently I need training camp as well
SteelSonny: We come full circle.
SteelSonny: Did you know the largest event ever at Yankees Stadium was a Jehovah’s Witness convention? 123,707
El Enforcero: I was not aware of that. And there’s an IMMENSE joke lurking in that factoid…but I can’t put my finger on it.
SteelSonny: I know, I was hoping I was putting it on a tee.
SteelSonny: Just like how my Something About Mary lead to my column didn’t pan out and became a blog entry.
IUKooder: I can’t help but think of the opening sequence of Airplane! every time I hear about Jehovah’s Witness
El Enforcero: Sorry, I’m getting distracted by the double-barreled attack of suck coming from Reilly and Berman.
El Enforcero: “Joe Louis beat Hitler’s Max Schmelling here!” Apparently “Hitler” was a country? I missed that in social studies.
IUKooder: Apparently we’ve found out why it took so long for Reilly to convert to TV
SteelSonny: Okay, big finish…help me with my column research….list of most prominent “UNRETIREMENTS”…. Best: Sugar Ray, Lemieux, Foreman So-So: Pele and Magic Bad: Clemens and Ali
SteelSonny: agree…disagree…additions?
IUKooder: Pretty Good: MJ I
IUKooder: Bad: MJ II
IUKooder: Or file the last one under “Unnecessary”
SteelSonny: oh yeah, just omitted….MJ Bad….the first wasnt a retirement “Sport change”
El Enforcero: Good: Alex Zanardi…although that wasn’t really a retirement, it was more of a dismembarment
SteelSonny: …with a remembarment
SteelSonny: okay, I need to call it quits…..need to go look at Erin Andrews and hit the showers
IUKooder: in that order
El Enforcero: Enjoy that. I’ll be in my bunk.
SteelSonny: adios
IUKooder: Later fellers
Damnit, I was hoping to be the one to break it to Kooder that Cleveland was going to dissapoint this year.
Well rubbing salt in Cleveland’s wounds is really the last thing Bengals fans have left.
It’s sort of like Alabamanians making fun of Mississippians.