Yes, we know you’re a wonderful father, Kobe.

You must love your kids and beautiful wife. After all, I see it on the teevee every game! You kiss the kiddies, you kiss the wife, you show every one in America you are the bestest father on the whole planet!

Your family is strategically placed by the entry and exit way before games, after games, even at freaking halftime, right so you can give the little buckos a kiss in front of the TV cameras. You’re a fantastic papa. No one else in in the NBA is as good as you. You’re the perfect parent. Everyone else should be ashamed at how bad a parent they are compared to you.

Hey Thermocaster, can you pass the Syrup of Ipecac please?

Enough of this BS. Stop using your kids and family as props, stop playing image maker 24/7, stop trying to prove you’re over your brush with infidelity a few years back, stop bringing your freaking kids to the press conferences, stop doing all this. You might, in fact, be a great Dad, but this all strikes us as the most sickly form of PR. So chill.

Or we’ll feed you more chowder: