Public relations in general are getting a bit out of hand in sports. Sure, it’s one thing to give your team’s side of the story, particularly when the local media hate you. It’s another thing entirely to put things on your website that are so OBVIOUSLY full of spin…and crap…that normal human beings end up choking while reading them.

Case in point: The Miami Dolphins website. Specifically, I’d like to draw attention to the “In My Opinion” section, where longtime media member Andy Cohen is apparently diggin’ on the great, great hires made by the Dolphins over the last month. Let’s examine.

First, I think it’s important to establish Mr. Cohen’s bona fides. Here is an excerpt of his biographical information from the site:

Cohen has 27 years of experience covering the Miami Dolphins. He was the beat writer for the Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel from 1980-87 and won several writing awards during that time. He was named editor of Dolphin Digest in July of 1987 and has covered the team in that capacity ever since. He is also General Manager of Curtis Publishing Company, which also publishes Steelers Digest, Eagles Digest, Bills Digest and Draft Digest.

Wow, pretty impressive! I’ve always wanted to meet the guy that was responsible for giving the world “Bills Digest”!

Anyway,  reading through some of Mr. Cohen’s recent opinion columns on Dolphins personnel acquisitions is like having Lanny Davis hanging out in your computer. Here was Cohen’s opening comment on the hiring of Bill Parcells:

Wow! That’s the first word I spoke after hearing that Wayne Huizenga had lured Bill Parcells to run the football operations of the Miami Dolphins. Wow for lots of reasons, but mostly because it never ceases to amaze me the great lengths this owner will go to turn the Dolphins into a Super Bowl contender.

Uh…sure, Andy. Now, let’s move on to his reaction from Parcells’ first press conference.

You look at him talk. You watch his mannerisms. You hear the words. You understand the plan. Through it all, you get the distinct feeling that the Miami Dolphins have found in Bill Parcells the right man to lead them out of this losing wilderness.

This isn’t some public relations machine. This is reality. Bill Parcells knows football the way Wayne Huizenga knows business. It is a match that is long overdue for this franchise and its loyal fan base.

The conclusion was easy to form as Parcells answered questions for the first time early Thursday evening as the Dolphins Executive Vice President of Football Operations. The conclusion is this: The Dolphins are moving in the right direction once again.

I love it. Anytime anyone has to write “this isn’t some public relations machine”, you just KNOW their objectivity is impeccable. Finally, I’m curious…what was Mr. Cohen’s reaction to the hiring of Tony Sparano? Was he concerned about his lack of head coaching experience? Well…

You look at Tony Sparano. You hear him talk. You digest his words. You always come to the same conclusion: This guy was born to coach football.

Ah, perfect! He was born to coach football! Well, that freakin’ settles it.

Look, I know that teams have become quite adept at creating their own “news” stories and putting them on their website, knowing full well that about 60% of the fan base won’t know that the story isn’t being objectively reported on (and the other 40% won’t care). But please, sports teams…can we at least tone down the outright fellating of everything that the team does? It’s really rather unbecoming. Occasionally, I’d love to see a team admit they fucked up. You know, maybe have a Dolphins “news story” on their site apologize for hiring Cam Cameron? Or admit that Joey Porter was a terrible free agent acquisition?