Meet Sumi, Quatchi, and Miga, ladies and gentlemen — your mascots for the 2010 Vancouver Olympics, according to this recent press release.

…

I’m speechless. Really. I mean, it’s half-expected that mascots for any major International sporting event are going to suck unequivocally. For instance, go check out this history of FIFA World Cup mascots. My favorite is “Naranjito” from Spain in 1982, although Footix from France ‘98 makes it clear that someone in France was a huge Greg Ostertag fan.

But anyway, back to 2010…what ever made them settle on three characters that look like they got cut from the Pokemon flag football team? Did Vancouver move to Japan when I wasn’t looking? Is Miga sporting a mustache? Why is Sumi wearing a hat with horns? Some answers from the designers…

One is big, gentle and shy . . . one is small, mischievous and outgoing . . . and one is a natural-born leader with a passion for protecting the environment. All three are mythical creatures with roots in local legend. One is a sasquatch. One is a sea-bear. And one is an animal guardian spirit. They are all, to say the least, unique.

Thank god our Olympic mascots have a passion for protecting the environment! Al Gore might’ve boycotted otherwise!

If you haven’t had the chance, go meet the mascots “virtually” at Vancouver2010.com, and rue the fact that you weren’t among the 800 schoolchildren who had the mascots introduced to them through a special theatrical event. Or better yet, go to their “microsite” (that’s a new term?) and laugh hysterically at Quatchi’s voice, which sounds like a cross between Mr. Miyagi and Harvey Fierstein.