Fall is in the air and college football is at its best and by that I mean interceptions, penalties, and fumbles. The Hammer is back with another edition of the worst in college football.

During last weeks 26-21 loss to UAB, Tulane was, well…Tulane. They were shut out in the first and third quarters, and despite rushing for 240 yards, outgaining UAB by 132 in total yardage, and controlling the clock for nearly 35 minutes, they still managed to find a way to lose. I think perhaps committing 12 penalties didn’t help very much either. Meanwhile, UAB managed just one offensive touchdown and relied on their defense, special teams, and All-American candidate (and sweetly named) kicker Swayze Waters to pull out a much-needed win. After the loss, the frustration for Tulane Head Coach Bob Toledo boiled over:

“We just self destructed. On the first drive of the second half, they go down and throw a long pass. We’re right there to make a play, but don’t make it. They had a kickoff return for a touchdown, and we just self destruct. We have to learn how to win. We have some guys who don’t know how to win on this football team. I mean there’s penalty after penalty after penalty, and you can’t get any drives going. It’s impossible to get any continuity when you’re doing that. We’ve got some guys really working hard and doing a great job, and those guys are suffering because a handful of guys are making too darn many mistakes.”

While this isn’t creeping up on Denny Green territory, I think Bob definitely needs a hug. Unfortunately, he isn’t likely going to get one from his players after that rant. In the quote above, Bob calls out his players at least six times, which is no small task given that the quote is only about five sentences long. Tulane is clearly struggling, and the best way to solve the problem most likely would not involve telling your players they suck through the media. No need to wait til practice on Monday. Coach Toledo: I salute you sir for challenging your players in a public forum so that everyone can see how pathetic you and your team are. Why did you get fired from UCLA again? I guess I can cut him a break; after all, he is used to the stellar quarterback play of a guy like Cade McNown.

Lots of good choices for The Game They Shouldn’t Play this week. The obvious pick is Florida International (0-6) vs. Louisiana Monroe (1-5). The nation’s longest losing streak continues for Florida International and now stands at 18. Hey at least the Panthers didn’t lose last week….they had a bye. Louisiana Monroe has just one win this season over a mediocre 3-3 Arkansas State team. I don’t see FIU’s losing streak coming to an end. I’ve already had my fun with Florida International, so let’s find some else to pick on this week. Here’s to extending the winning streak to 19, cheers!

The Game They Shouldn’t Play - Week 8: Memphis (2-4) vs. Rice (1-5)

What we know: Back to our friends in Conference USA. Keep in mind that I try and focus mostly on football here and I certainly realize all that Memphis has been through this season. However, what I’ve seen from Memphis is some really bad football. Their two wins have come against I-AA Jacksonville State and 0-6 Marshall. Not exactly wins that would have Memphis climbing up the BCS charts, although after seeing this years standings, you never know. Rice has the pleasure of playing football in a state that produces some of the best talent in the country. Unfortunately for Rice, recruits only choose to enroll there after Texas, Texas A & M, Texas Tech and even Baylor all pass on them, and Rice is left to pick up the scraps. The result of this recruiting desert is shockingly similar to last year, when the Owls started off 1-5 and yet somehow managed to win their final 6 regular season games, before falling to Troy in the prestigious R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl. R+L specializes in shipping and transporting hazardous materials — a perfect euphemism for its bowl sponsorship.

The Teams: Since DeAngelo Williams left Memphis to enter the 2006 NFL draft, Memphis has won just 4 of 18 games, with only two of those wins coming against I-A opponents. Memphis’ problem is their running back-by-committee approach. TJ Pitts (68), Joseph Doss (55), Miguel Barnes (27), and Matt Malouf (21) have split the carries, and none of them have had much success. On the other hand, the Tigers do a decent job of spreading the ball to their wide receivers. Memphis has actually been competitive on the defensive side of the ball, and despite giving up 56 points to UCF, they have otherwise kept opponents within striking distance. Meanwhile, Rice has the proud distinction of being the worst running team in Conference USA (just 95 yards a game) and the least productive offense overall in the league in terms of total yardage. But it’s not just Rice’s less-than-potent offense…they have also managed to give up over 55 points in three of their six games, and over 30 points in 5 of 6. Their lone win came against Southern Miss, a game in which Rice gave up 22 fourth quarter points and only won when a two point conversion for SMU failed. Finally, I often point out that many one-win teams have only beaten I-AA competition. Rice will have none of that. Rather than pad their win total and bowl resume they opted to lose to I-AA Nicholls State to open their season.

The Match-Up: Since Rice joined Conference USA in 2005, they have yet to play Memphis. But in an attempt to find something to fill their game notes, the Rice Sports Information Department does mention that they have played 8 games in the State of Tennessee, which is of course pertinent to playing Memphis because…oh wait its not. I do feel sorry for the staff at Rice who has to consistently come up with pages of worthless information for media who couldn’t care less about the 5th best college football team in the state. There are high school teams with larger fans bases in Texas.

The Prediction: I don’t see Rice pulling off the miracle they did last year to go to a bowl game. Memphis is not a good football team, but Rice is just that much worse, particularly on offense. Rice is in for a long second half of the season and even after three straight road games, this is not going to be a happy homecoming.

Rice 17

Memphis 24