I‘m always fascinated by new places, particularly when it comes to sports. Having recently relocated to the Miami-Dade metroplex, I was rather intrigued by what the sports scene is REALLY like down here. After all, most people who’ve never lived in south Florida have their stereotypical impressions of the fans (and the teams) here — no one comes to the games, the people are more concerned with following Dennis Rodman around on South Beach, etc.

Therefore, the SoFLA report was born, in order to give SBA’s reading public a first-hand impression of the various events (and non-events) here in Miami. Our initial investigation? Tuesday night’s Marlins-Cubs game. More after the jump.

PREGAME: Miami may very well have the worst traffic in the continental United States. The only location where I’ve experienced worse traffic is the D.C. Beltway, but at least you can avoid that if you really want to. In Miami, there are no ways to avoid it — the bad traffic festers on every street, not unlike gangrene gone unchecked in the human body. The bad traffic is amplified about 3,000% by the sheer number of bad drivers, most of whom act like they just hopped in a car for the first time ever, and still aren’t sure what the pedals do, or what the little arm thingy on the steering column is for (Hint: It’s a turn signal, morons). I’m not making this up — apparently Miami was named the city with the rudest drivers in a recent survey.

Anyway, me and Esperanza left for the game at about 5:10, arriving at the gates of Dolphin Stadium at about 6:10 (Mind you, this is about a 12 mile drive). On arrival, we were greeted by the sight of about 30 Cubs fans tailgating in the parking lot, doing the things that Cubs fans do (most of which consisted of yelling “Where’s the Old Style?” across the parking lot. Weird.) We found a spot about 40 feet from the entrance to the stadium, ascended up one of those giant spiral ramps that you always see in blimp shots of Dolphin Stadium, and plopped down in our seats, about 8 rows up and 30 or so feet down the foul line from first base.

GAME: Let me run down the highlights, home-office style:

1) I actually have a lot of respect for most of the Marlins organization. I’ve met people that work there and heard them talk, and they all seem like very competent and bright individuals. I just wonder how long this team can stay here with this kind of attendance. Despite the “official” attendance number given - 16,044 (44.2% full) - there’s no way there were more than 8,000 people in the stadium. Worse still, of those 8,000 people, at least 80% appeared to be Cubs fans. Outside of games versus Chicago or the occasional interleague series versus New York or Boston, the attendance can’t be good. And honestly, there was nothing else to do tonight in Miami (or at least, nothing else sports-related). Troublesome.

2) That said, the crowd that was there got pretty raucous at times. Kudos to the scattered assortment of Marlins fans, who put up a valiant fight against the overwhelming monolith of Cubs fans, particularly when the “Let’s Go Marlins!” chant kept getting hijacked into a “Let’s Go Cubbies!” chant. The jumbotron did its work, making sure to show a replay of the Marlins’ victory over the Cubs in the 2003 NLCS at a key point early in the game. And my hat is off to the guy behind us who, after the Marlins took a 4-0 lead, started chanting out the Brewers-Cards score (which Milwaukee won handily). Despite the small numbers, I give the crowd a solid B.

3) Other crowd highlights included a loud verbal argument between two fans directly in front of us, one of whom sounded like Rosie Perez — it made the line “Why don’t you leave us alone and mind your own m*****f***ing business!” an entertaining catchphrase the rest of the night for everyone in that seating section.

4) Is there a more confounding group of people than Cubs fans? There are some that I’m close personal friends with, who are genuinely good and down-to-earth people, and whom I enjoy watching baseball games with. There are, however, some incontrovertible assholes among Cubs fans, and those numbers seem to be increasing daily. Plus, there seems to be a rapidly-growing selection of godless preppie bastards within the ranks of Cubs fans…and I always seem to get stuck in close proximity to two or three of them every time I go to a game in person. Perhaps this is an old phenomenon that I’m just now learning about?

5) Dontrelle Willis is really a treat to watch pitch. Granted, this was easily his best game of the second half of the season (hell, maybe the whole season), but he’s really mesmerizing on the mound. Plus, I like any pitcher who can bat above .250, and D-Train beats that by another 25 points or so. He was spectacular tonight, carrying a one-hit shutout into the eighth inning, and finishing up with his 10th win. Plus, he became the all-time leader in strikeouts in franchise history tonight…although that’s sorta like a coach becoming the all-time wins leader for the Houston Texans at this point. For what it’s worth, Willis surpassed A.J. Burnett for the strikeout record — ironically, Burnett won his 10th game tonight, marking the fifth season where he’s reached double-digits in victories.

6) This was my first time seeing Alfonso Soriano in person. After his performance tonight, all I can say is that I’m shocked he doesn’t strike out on three pitches every time he comes to the plate.

7) Despite the Marlins’ troubles with payroll and personnel, and despite the general idea that most have about Miami-area fans, the stadium that the team plays in really is quite a treat. Dolphins Stadium was clean, attractively built, had plenty of clean sight lines (spoiled only by the drunk Cubs fans standing in front of us the whole game), and ample parking. It’s obviously a football stadium first and foremost, but it’s a fine venue for baseball. I’d encourage anyone with even a passing interest in stadiums to catch a game here. And apparently I’m not alone…I’d nearly forgotten Jeff Merron’s article about Dolphins Stadium (then known as Pro Player Stadium) during ESPN’s ballpark tour a few years ago.

POSTGAME: Never trust your own sense of direction when leaving the stadium. I did, and ended up on the Florida Turnpike on the far western edge of Miami for about 30 minutes.

Esperanza’s comment as we were dodging pedestrians trying to get out of the parking lot was apt: “These people walk like they drive.”