Sports, as we know, is an integral part of the maturation process in youngsters across America. The lessons we learn from sports help to form our opinions about a whole variety of things, from the importance of paying our electric bills to what the appropriate reaction is to the latest Lindsay Lohan scandal. Perhaps even more important is the bonds that form between father and son as a result of the passing down of sports knowledge. TMC correspondent James Turner, a recent father himself, delves further into this, covering the gamut from basketball to beer pong, and getting in a few gratuitous jabs at Barry Bonds. More after the jump.

If anyone ever tells you that Barry Bonds is the greatest baseball player of all time you have my permission to pin their mittens to their jacket, give them a circle of paper and some safety scissors, and send them to school on the short bus. If you would like to argue that Barry Bonds is the greatest baseball player of all time then I will be unable to argue with you, because I don’t speak moron. I have heard recent commentators throw his hat into this particular discussion, and I can’t even fathom what they are thinking.

The reason I started thinking about this is because I have recently become a father (surprisingly, you don’t need a license for this.) I began thinking about my dad and the things that we enjoyed doing together. The one constant was talking sports, so I want my son to have a good foundation of sports knowledge — that way, when he eventually gets into sports discussions over chicken wings and beer he will know what he’s talking about. I also can’t wait to get into my first fight at a little league game with another drunken father, but that’s another blog entry for another time. As for what to teach my son about sports, I have broken it down into the particular sport and what I will teach him.

BASEBALL
Playing baseball is probably the most fun any of us had playing sports as a child, so it seems like a good sport to start with. I want my son to become a Cubs fan. Now, before you call CPS on me, hear me out. There is nothing wrong with being a Cubs fan. It teaches you that life is full of disappointment, but it also makes you feel better about yourself. After all, when you compare your own life to the Cubs, you could never achieve a century of futility, so it’s not all bad. My wife and I actually have a deal that if the Cubbies win the Series, we will change our son’s name to Clark Addison. I was surprised when she wasn’t nervous about this, but as she told me, “They’ll find a way to blow it€.” My son will know about Billy Goats, Black Cats, Steve Bartman, and Steve ****ing Garvey. I should probably wrap this portion up before I start crying.

FOOTBALL
Thanks to the Indianapolis Colts, there is finally football in Indiana. College football is a nice sport, but the fact that I am an alumnus of Indiana University means that my son will never get to watch a winner in the college game. One thing that I can guarantee is that if my son is good enough to be a highly touted football recruit he will go to IU. He will not pull a Rex Grossman and turn traitor on the state. Maybe that’s why Rex has been a monumental bust in the NFL…Karma baby, Karma! On the pro side, my son will be just like his father, an excitable Colts fan. Now, before anybody thinks about it, let me put any accusations of “bandwagon fan” to rest. I sat through every game of the 1-15 season. I lived through the Jeff George era, which is more than anyone should have to put up with. I am very proud that some day my son will wear my old Gary Hogeboom jersey.

BASKETBALL
Man to man defense, motion offense, wind sprints till you puke. I will only teach my son about college basketball, mainly because the NBA is as scripted as WWE (and not nearly as entertaining). To me, college basketball is about as exciting as it gets. It is all about teamwork, hard play, and hating Kentucky and Purdue…and lets toss Duke in there as well, for good measure. In a few years, ask my son who the greatest basketball coach of all time is and he will say “€œBob Knight.” Ask him the who the worst of all time is, and his answer will be, “€œMike Davis wasn’t pretty good€.” Ask him about IU’s chances for any given season and you might get something along the lines of “€œI like their chances.” The defense should be pretty good and they’ve got some size, if only Kelvin Sampson would implement an offensive scheme we should be fine.€

SOCCER
There are only two things my son will know about soccer. The first is the story of Brandi Chastain and the sports bra. The second is that soccer is a sport for Europeans and poor countries, since they can’t afford the pads for real football.

HOCKEY
Canada has given us many things, but here is the top ten list of those things, in order of importance and quality:

1. Ice

2. Beer

3. 150 proof whiskey

4. The Kids in the Hall

5. Mike Myers

6. Neil Young

7. Red Green

8. Gordon Lightfoot

9. Anne Murray

10. Hockey

NASCAR
NASCAR is not a sport. If I wanted to watch cars driving around, I would look out my window.

BEER PONG
While beer pong is more of a sport than NASCAR, it is not worth my son’s time either. He will be able to get a lot drunker a lot quicker by drinking without games. You drink when you watch the games, not while you play them.

SOFTBALL
The sport that you can drink and play.

BOWLING
Bowling is a game of simple mathematics. 3 whiskeys and you roll a 200; 4 whiskeys and you roll a 100.

GOLF
Golf is an annoyance, and I don’t care how good Tiger Woods is, it is insufferable to watch. I will probably teach him how to play Golden Tee instead. Here’s a Golden Tee tip: if you’re playing the old version with Pat Summerall, and you spill some booze on the console, your ball will go in the hole every time.