Greetings from the beautiful Wasatch Front and welcome to my first non-self-promotional post here on The Meaningful Collateral. While my head is dominated by Major League Soccer (since it’s in that realm that I earn my daily wage), come September and the following months my heart is ruled by college football, so that’s what my weekly posting here at TMC will focus on until the post-Thanksgiving conference championship period.

I’ve always considered myself as an “Ed McMahon” rather than a “Johnny Carson,” so I don’t want to brazenly say that I’ll be quarterbacking you through the week-that-was in college gridiron action. Essentially this will be a collection of paragraphs doling out cleverly-named awards and some random thoughts of the previous days’ events (yes, I’ll include Thursday & Friday observation as well, if warranted). I mean, that is the point of blogs, no? You can look for it every Sunday morning, as there’s really nothing else to do on Sunday morning in Salt Lake City (despite the fact us heathens have the run of the town during this time period).

And so, since my most memorable football moment for my friends seems to be my selection of Kevin Faulk in the 4th round of a fantasy football draft around 1999, I invite you to sit back with your Twix and cup of java, relax, and enjoy the first installment of the “Sunday Morning 3rd Down Back”…

The “Justin Wilson ‘I Gare-own-tee It’ Award” goes to: Michigan RB Mike Hart

If you’re going to claim your team will win the following week after being embarrassed at home (for two weeks in a row, for the record), you’d better be the one leading the charge. Hart did just that Saturday, shrugging off his solid-but-ultimately unused efforts against App-State and Oregon to post a solid-and-utterly-dominating performance (35 carries, 187 yards, 2 TDs) in Michigan’s 38-0 beatdown of the Cryin’ Irish. Against this year’s Notre Dame team, that guarantee equals “I will crush a 6-year-old in a Tee-ball home run hitting contest” on the degree-of-difficulty scale, but the kid followed through, so kudos to him. And no, I will not use this space to pile on the Irish (I’d much rather wait until they’re 0-8 to do that), but I will note that I had more rushing yards sitting on my couch watching the game than Notre Dame achieved on the field (-6).

The “1993 Mazda Protégé ‘Zoom-Zoom-Zoom’ Game-Changing Play of the Week” goes to: Florida LB Dustin Doe

In honor of my pimpin’ ride, I give this one to my damned Tennessee Vols, who mucked things up after seemingly being ready to make a go of it at The Swamp yesterday. After UofF delivered a body blow by going up 28-6 with a buck-and-a-half left in the first half, Smokey gathered its breath quickly by marching downfield for a TD to bring it to 28-13 at the half. Then, after letting the Gators roll downfield, the Vols went all pick-six on Tim Tebow, a 96-yard INT return bringing things to 28-20. Florida then went 3-and-out and gave the Vols the ball back with a chance to silence The Swamp with a grueling, drawn-out, old-school Vols style drive that could change the scope of the game…

Except someone forgot to tell Tennessee QB Erik “The Octopus” Ainge, whose awkward backhanded handoff on the VERY FIRST PLAY OF THE DRIVE was bobbled, then batted up in the air by RB Arian Foster. Enter Mr. Doe, who scooped up the ball for an easy 18-yard TD return with five minutes left in the 3rd. They might as well have stopped the game right then, as the play started Tebow & Co.’s run of 31 unanswered “style points” (including an “Ol’ Ball Coach-style” run-it-up TD with 1:14 left) that brought the final ledger to a somewhat deceptive 59-20 finish.

The “Art Shell Memorial Game Mismanagement Award” goes to: Iowa State coach Gene Chizik

In his first “Cy-Hawk” game, ISU rookie boss Gene Chizik almost went from getting his first win with the Cyclones to getting his first brick through his office window in just one second… a second he helped create:

With the clock running under 30 seconds and the ‘Clones trailing 13-12 with one time out left, Chizik’s offense predictably runs up the middle on second down to set up the game-winning FG try. No fumble, no worries, 3rd down on the 11-yard-line. Clock’s running down for what amounts to a chip shot for the pride of Des Moines, senior kicker Bret Culbertson. So what does Chizik do? He calmly walks over to the closest zebra and calls his last remaining time out… with 6 seconds left. Now I’m no rocket scientist, but I do know that, if you want to end the game with that relatively easy kick (which I’m pretty sure you would), you don’t leave 6 seconds on the clock. I know what you’re saying… “What if something doesn’t go/look/smell right on the attempt?”

Well, then you have your FG team ready on 2nd down, have them hustle their asses out on the field after the run and line up for the try with about 10 seconds left. Let Iowa call the time out to ice the kicker/prep for the block. THAT’S WHAT!!! Instead, Culbertson indeed goes out and nails the FG, putting ISU up 15-13 as the students have visions of storming the field… but only visions, as Chizik’s brilliant clock management has left 0:01 on the clock. What can go wrong in 0:01, you say? Well, how about Hawkeye freshman Darrell Johnson-Koulianos (the first African-Greek-American name I’ve heard of) taking the ensuing squib kick (which was horribly executed, as it made it to DJ-K on the 15 yard line in about .5 seconds) down to the 25 yard line before failing to remember that the game ends if you’re tackled with the ball when the clock expires. Thus, Chizik gets off the hook… and an immediate post-game make-out session with his wife (sadly, picture not included).

The “Golden Compass Directional School of the Week Award” goes to: Central Florida

Even in defeat, I’ll give this award to Central Florida, who opened up its new home of Bright House Networks Stadium (the name of which was oddly excluded in the AP’s game preview and recap… that $1 million per-year naming rights deal is really paying off!) by scaring the bejezus out of #6 Texas in a 35-32 loss. Despite the Golden Knights taking a 24-23 lead at the start of the 4th quarter, UCF QB Kyle Israel’s case of fumble-itis came back to haunt the Mighty O’Learys, as his fumble with four minutes left (which occurred after he had gained yardage to convert a drive-sustaining third down) led to an eventually decisive 46-yard TD scamper by Texas RB Jamal Charles on the very next play.

Even in defeat, the Golden Knights – who went into Raleigh two weeks prior and brought a 25-23 win over NC State back to the O-town – most likely established themselves as the third or fourth best Div-1 team in Florida and the odds on favorite to win Conference USA… for whatever that’s worth (which, after some research, would appear to be an all-expenses-paid trip to Memphis and the AutoZone Liberty Bowl against the SEC’s #6/#7/#8 squad. Conference USA Football – Catch the Fever! Or pneumonia).

The “Snuggle Fabric Softener Folding of the Week Award” goes to: the UCLA Bruins

This one was handed out right here in Salt Lake City as the formerly #11-ranked Bruins – in an apparent attempt to sully the burgeoning reputation of Pac-10 Football – got steamrolled 44-6 by a Utah Utin’ Utes team that were led by their back-up QB (Tommy Grady, who, at a towering 6’7” I predict will be the second coming of legendary Iowa/SD State signal-caller Dan McGwire), their back-up RB, and an offensive line consisting of three regular starters and a couple of missionaries who delayed their two-year journey to Uruguay for the weekend. I tend to disagree with the argument that UCLA lost the game (five turnovers) rather than Utah won it, as the UUUs seized control by taking the inches that the Bruins gave them and turning them into kilometers (24 points off 5 Bruin turnovers). Note to Karl Dorrell: Enjoy that win last year against USC… it could be your only one for quite awhile.

The SM3DB’s Weekly Conference Rankings (Top 5 Only Need Apply)

1) SEC – Sure, LSU and Florida looked as dangerous as advertised, but Tennessee is not, Auburn’s already got two losses and an Arkansas team that many considered to challenge the Bayou Bengals in the West went “Woooo Pig Blew-y” late against Alabama (thanks to a pretty miserable pass interference flag in favor of the Fighting Sabans, but I digress). The middle and bottom of the conference is ahead of the Pac-10, and that depth is the only reason the SEC gets the top spot… but it’s getting closer every week.

2) Pac 10 – Despite UCLA’s stumble, I’ll take the USC-Cal-Oregon troika over the top 3 schools in any other conference. If the Bruins and Washington had taken care of business yesterday, you’d likely see this paragraph above the previous one, but they didn’t, so it’s here… for now.

3) Atlantic Coast - The 3-5 slots could be pretty much interchangeable, but I’ll go with the ACC here due to depth reasons – I think they’d have 5 teams in that #10-20 range if they didn’t all have to beat each other up. Boston College looked impressive yesterday in taking down G-Tech in the A-T-L, and with stud QB Matt Ryan racking up huge numbers, the Catholic Eagles will roll through the next 4 games (Army, UMass, Bowling Green, & at Notre Dame) before their biggest threat to the Atlantic Division title, an Oct. 25 visit to Hokieville (which I hope to be in attendance for in Blacksburg). The Ramblin’ Wreck are still a solid squad, and you can also apply that tag to Va Tech (defense only), Clemson, and Florida State (and Miami, when they’re in the mood).

4) Big East – I’ll slot the Big East here despite Llllllvllllle’s loss in Lexington last night. West Virginia might not have much of a defense, but man, what an offense. Llllllvlllle’s still dangerous, Rutgers still has Ray Rice, and South Florida could be this year’s Sneaky Pete. I’m also acting like Syracuse is not in the conference, so as to not bring down the overall ranking (hey, everyone’s got to have a patsy).

5) Big 10 – No, Michigan, shutting out a team with a mediocre offense (for a high school) does not gain you the prestige you’ve lost across the last two weeks. Wisconsin, now in the Rose Bowl driver’s seat, got more than it expected yesterday from The Citadel – in Madison. Oy vey. And forgive me for not yet jumping onto the Penn State bandwagon, but I’d like to see them play a legitimate foe before making my judgment on them. Ohio State had a good result in Seattle yesterday, but the 20-2 win over Akron at The Horseshoe would still make me worry a little bit about the state of the Buckeyes’ offense. BTW, my Hoosiers put up 41 on the Zips yesterday… just sayin’.

To the Big 12: Please call me for consideration in the top 5 once someone other than Kansas and Missouri are atop the Big 12 North. And Texas Tech and Texas A&M, you’re not fooling anybody. Thank you.